i'm a mess but you're still here
by bestboykirishima
Summary: When Bakugou fails the license exam and is put on house arrest, Kirishima finds himself far more worried than the average friend. Grappling with his feelings and desperately trying to break through Bakugou's carefully constructed walls, Kirishima feels like he's racing against time to find answers and self-acceptance. [FULL SUMMARY IS ON AO3].


IMPORTANT! this fic is cross-posted from Archive of Our Own! my account over there is Dreaming_Of_Fairys, so if you see it there, don't worry, no one's stealing my work, that's still me!

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 **hello everyone!**

 **thank you for choosing to click on this fic! i'll be honest, this is really self-indulgent? i was writing a lot of kiribaku pining stuff when i realized that with kirishima's obsession with masculinity, if he's gay, that might cause him to feel some insecurity/self-loathing. plus, i've wanted to write a fic about the experience of self-discovery that comes with finding out you're gay because i don't see very much of them around in fics, and i love kirishima a lot and think he's really fun to write this kind of stuff. so yeah, there's a lot of self-acceptance/coming out to self & friends/etc. stuff in this fic because i'm drawing slightly on my own personal experience and i wanted to make it as authentic as possible.**

 **this'll probably be somewhere in 12-15 chapter range? so i guess romance-wise you can call it a slowburn. ;) there's going to be plenty of kiribaku goodness, as well as kirishima brotps glaore, because he is best boy and deserves the world and more.**

 **it takes place around where the anime left off, but i'm going all canon-divergent here and making it so they have to do some extra stuff before they can go to their internships because i need time after the licensing exam to make this all work ;)**

 **i hope you all enjoy "i'm a mess but you're still here"!**

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Kirishima is a creature of habit.

Ever since his childhood, he's been starting and ending his day with a routine. Sure, it's changed over the years as he matures, outgrowing things and implementing more constructive habits, but there's been a routine nonetheless.

His routine has changed a lot since moving into Heights Alliance. Every morning now he wakes up early, stretches and heads down to the communal bathroom to shower, then gels up his hair and heads back up to his room to grab his books. But none of that is as important as the final step.

The first morning there, Kirishima crashed straight into Bakugou in the hallway on his way to class. He'd gotten yelled at, but eventually Bakugou grumpily agreed to walk with him. Since then, they've walked to class together every morning. They didn't talk much, as Bakugou is grumpy in the mornings (well, he's grumpy all the time), but just the company made Kirishima happy. If his walk with Bakugou went well, the rest of his day felt bright.

On this particular morning, Bakugou isn't waiting for him when he steps into the hallway. Kirishima knew this would be the case thanks to the news of Bakugou's four day house arrest, but it doesn't stop him from being a little hopeful that Bakugou will at least stop by to say good morning. Kirishima stares at his friend's closed door, feeling forlorn as a pit forms in his stomach.

It's too quiet.

Kirishima walks to class alone, passing by a few of his classmates but feeling no desire to stop and say hi. He's not sure why, as usually he's all smiles and sunshine and the definition of a social butterfly. Something about not having Bakugou by his side makes Kirishima's chipper attitude disappear. He hates to admit it, but he misses Bakugou's usual grumpy comments about how it's too early for Kirishima to be that annoyingly cheerful.

He steps into class quietly, slinking towards his desk in the middle of the class and collapsing into his seat. Before he can even pull out his books, Kaminari's whirling around in his seat and throwing out a fist. "Hey man! You pumped to hear about what we can do with our licenses?!"

 _That's right,_ Kirishima remembers, _we get to do some actual hero work now, won't we? We're semi-pros!_

His mind flashes back to Bakugou's closed door, his heart clenching in his chest. _Well, most of us…_

"Ummmm...bro?" Kaminari waves a hand in front of Kirishima's face. "Hellooo? Are you dead, dude?"

"Nope!" Kirishima sits up straight and high fives Kaminari. _Stop thinking about the bad stuff! You gotta smile, you gotta be positive. Be a man about it!_ He looks at Kaminari with what he hopes is a convincingly positive expression. "Sorry dude, I'm just a bit off today. But yeah! I can't wait to hear about what we'll get to do!"

Genuine excitement floods through Kirishima all at once at the thought of stepping out onto the streets of the city and fighting crime for real, decked out in his costume, becoming the hero Red Riot instead of a boring high school boy. He makes a fist, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm ready to get into action!"

"Hell yeah!" Kaminari agrees excitedly, leaning even further over the back of his chair.

Their friend Sero plops down into his seat to the left of Kirishima, smiling super wide with his blindingly white teeth. "Hey guys! Talking about the licenses?"

"Isn't it so exciting?!" Ashido drops her bag on her desk, then steps up beside Kirishima's desk. Her eyes are sparkling, her cheeks slightly pinker than usual. "You better look out boys, Alien Queen is going to have the _best_ debut!"

"Ha!" Sero sits up straighter in his seat and fumbles with his tie. "That's where you're wrong! Pretty sure it'll be Cellophane who takes that spot!"

"Pfft, please!" Kaminari waves a hand. "I, the great Chargebolt, will have _so_ many adoring fans. All the girls are gonna be wanting my autograph within seconds!"

"Yeah, if you don't electrify your brains first," Ashido giggles.

Kirishima knows he should say something. It's fun joking around with his friends, especially when it comes to being competitive. But the elephant in the room sits heavy on his chest. If Bakugou was here, he'd be shouting at the top of his lungs about how he'd be the best and beat them easily. And he probably would, to be honest. But he'd failed the licensing exam...and now he's on house arrest for in-fighting.

Bakugou Katsuki, meant to be a shining star soaring high above the rest, has fallen behind.

"Heyyy Kirishima…?" Sero nudges Kirishima with his elbow. "What about you? Are you ready to make your manliness known to the world?"

"Your slogan should be 'it's time to riot!'" Kaminari laughs, also nudging against Kirishima. "That'd be _so cool_ , dude."

"It would," Kirishima agrees with Kaminari without really thinking, struggling to pull himself back into the present. "And yeah, don't you worry, Red Riot's going to kick some ass out there! The villains are gonna find themselves kissing the pavement."

"That's the spirit!" cheers Ashido, beaming and pumping her fist in the air.

Their conversation is interrupted when the door opens and Aizawa-sensei shuffles into the room. "Good morning, class. Settle down and take your seats, please."

The group of friends falls quiet as Aizawa walks to the front of the class. He's not in his sleeping bag today, which is both comforting and worrying. That usually means they're going to be getting down to business, and at U.A., that could either mean something extremely fun, something extremely difficult, or both at the exact same time.

Aizawa shuffles some papers on the wooden podium and sighs deeply. "So, as you know, almost everyone passed the exam, which means most of you are now semi-pros. This is not a title to be taken lightly. These licenses are a privilege, and with the power they provide comes great responsibility."

"Currently, we are working on finding a way to get you internships with pro-heros. Essentially, you'll be temporary sidekicks. You'll patrol, you'll assist in rescues, you'll potentially even fight villains."

Excited whispers fill the classroom. Kaminari and Sero exchange grins, then turn to look at Kirishima. He smiles back at them and gives them a thumbs-up. It's time to focus now. Now is not the time to feel sorry for Bakugou.

So why is it that he can't get the image of Bakugou's devastated face out of his mind?

"You'll be taking exams in order to confirm that you're prepared for all of the responsibility, and that you understand what consequences you'd face should you break the law or overstep your authority." Aizawa looks at them with an expression so serious it shuts everyone up in a second. "The exams will take place at the end of the month. There will be a written exam about the laws of quirk usage, how sidekicks work, how internships work, what your responsibilities and limits are as a semi-pro, and a few more things which we will be discussing in class."

" _Shit_ ," Kaminari mutters under his breath, subtly glancing over his shoulder at Kirishima. "We're fucked."

"Following the written exam will be a practical exam testing your strengths and weaknesses so we know best where to send you. Of course, you will eventually choose where to go, but we will limit your options to make sure you don't end up somewhere where you will struggle unfairly."

"Aizawa-sensei!" Iida's hand shoots up into the air, his arm completely straight, standing up behind his desk. A few people in the class groan quietly. "I have a question about the practical exam!"

"I will answer your questions when we get closer," Aizawa replies, looking just as exhausted with Iida as everyone else is. "Just focus on honing your quirk and decision making skills until then."

"Thank you, sensei!" Iida bends at the waist in a stiff bow, then sits back down.

"For the rest of today we will be discussing your new responsibilities." Aizawa yawns, then shuffles the papers again. "I advise you take notes. This will be on the written exam."

There's a furious scramble for papers and pencils and pens, and Kirishima ends up having to lend a pencil to a frazzled Kaminari who forgot literally everything _again_.

Typically, Kirishima does his best to pay attention in class, but ends up zoning out halfway through and doodling in the margins or planning new workout regimes or daydreaming about doing manly, heroic things.

Today, however, it's as if something has possessed him. Kirishima takes notes in a dedicated fervor, pencil scratching against the paper faster than he thought was possible, trying to get down every single little word and detail. He's not quite sure what's motivating him; it could be excitement for hero work, desperation that he's going to fail, or something else entirely.

When the bell rings at the end of class, Kirishima glances over his notes in surprise. His handwriting is horrible from writing so fast and sloppily, but it's more notes than he thinks he's ever taken in his life.

"Wow, you took crazy detailed notes," Sero says, leaning over Kirishima shoulder and letting out a low, impressed whistle.

"Oh no," Kaminari gasps, fake-horrified. "Sero, he's becoming a nerd. He's going to leave us behind. How could you, Kirishima?! We thought you were one of us!"

Kirishima shrugs, not thinking much of it. "I dunno, dude, I don't remember anything he said, I was just speed writing. And now my hand hurts!" He shakes his numb hand for emphasis, then shrugs again. "I just felt like I had to take good notes today for some reason."

"You're so weird," Kaminari snorts. "Oh well, I don't care _why_ you did it, I just wanna know if I can copy…?" He grins sheepishly. "Because uh...all I did was draw pictures of what I'd want my hero merch to look like."

"You won't have any hero merch if you fail the class," Sero snickers.

Ashido giggles, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Look out, Kirishima's going to take us all down if he keeps that up."

"Please save us, nerd Kirishima." Kaminari puts his hands together in a fake prayer.

Kirishima laughs and shoves his notes in his bag. "I'll do my best."

"Well, in the meantime, let's go get some fooood!" Kaminari cheers, jumping up out of his seat.

Kirishima pauses for a second, an idea forming in his head. "Do you think I have time to run by the dorms real fast?"

His friends freeze and stare at him like he's crazy. "You ditching us, man?" Sero asks with an exaggerated pout. "That's cruel." He dramatically grabs his shirt where his heart is. "So cruel."

"Are you embracing the nerd life now?" Kaminari asks, folding his arms across his chest. "Laaaame."

"No, I…" Kirishima trails off, biting his lip. Admitting that he wanted to check up on Bakugou seemed really stupid, now that he thinks about it. Why is he so worried about Bakugo anyways? He can take care of himself. If anything, this time alone will be a good wake up call. "Nevermind. I can get it later."

Sero and Kaminari walk ahead, laughing and elbowing each other in the sides, snorting about some inside joke. Kirishima's legs feel heavy as he walks after them, trying really hard to smile and failing.

Ashido falls in step next to him, concern written all over her face. "Hey, Kiri...are you doing okay? You've seemed a little off all morning."

Kirishima sighs and gives her a shaky smile. "I'll be okay." He hesitates for a second, unsure of whether or not to tell her the truth. He has known her for quite a long time, and she's never judged him before…

"I just…" He swallows hard. "...I miss Bakugou."

Understanding crosses Ashido's face as she nods slowly. "Yeah. It was honestly such a shock to me that he didn't pass. Like...I see why? But it's still shocking. And Todoroki too! They're in the top of the class, and they both failed! It seems they've just both got some stuff they need to work through…" She shakes her head, disappointment etched in her features. "But what was Bakugou thinking, picking a fight with Midoriya like that…?"

"He's taking the failure hard. He always does." Kirishima shoves his hands into his pockets and glances out the window, looking at the dorms in the distance. "I probably would too if I was in his shoes."

"He needs to sort his shit out," Ashido says firmly. "And he needs to do it _soon_. Otherwise he's going to fall even further behind." She goes quiet for a moment, her words sinking in. Kirishima agrees with her, but doesn't voice it aloud. His body language speaks more than any words could.

A gentle hand rests on his arm. "I think you really help him, Kiri," Ashido whispers. "Give him some space, but not too much space, okay? Be there for him if he needs someone to talk to."

"I doubt he'll open up to me, but I can try," Kirishima replies, a lump forming in his throat. "He's not exactly the kind of person who likes relying on other people."

"Except that he took your hand, didn't he?" Ashido smiles softly, squeezing Kirishima's arm. "Back at Kamino Ward. At least, that's what everyone said happened."

Warmth floods through Kirishima's face and chest. His heart beats faster, and for a second he forgets how to breathe.

Kamino Ward...the cold wind, the heat of an explosion, the firm grip of a sweaty, strong hand, a relieved voice...a grateful smile.

 _"What, are you stupid or something?"_

A sad smile crosses his lips. "...Yeah. He did."

Ashido's eyes twinkle with something Kirishima can't describe. She pats his arm, then lets go and moves her hands to her sides, swinging her arms as she starts to skip. "See?! It'll be fine!" She beams at him supportively. "Let's go get some food and have fun, kay? No more moping!"

Kirishima feels an overwhelming surge of appreciation for Ashido. She's always been such a good friend to him, encouraging and friendly and full of energy and spunk. It's almost impossible not to smile when around her.

Kirishima's worry doesn't disappear, but it slowly slips into the back of his head. Finally, his mind is quiet and calm. He makes a fist and grins at her. "Thanks, Ashido! I feel a lot better now."

"Great!" she cheers. "Now c'mon, let's catch up to those two idiots before they get into trouble."

Kirishima grins and starts to take off down the hall with her. "Right! Let's go!"

* * *

That evening, Kirishima finds himself in front of Bakugou's door.

He hadn't been planning on going to visit him. He wanted to take Ashido's advice and give Bakugo a little bit of space and wait for him to seek Kirishima out, but when he'd pulled his unusually thorough notes from his school bag, it'd hit him all at once what his motivation had been. Bakugo missed class, and therefore missed the notes. Maybe if Kirishima gave these to him, he wouldn't fall as far behind.

Maybe Kirishima could help him.

He takes a deep breath, then exhales slowly. His heart's pounding too fast, slamming against his ribcage. His hands are sweating, and he has to wipe them furiously on his shorts to stop them from getting the notes wet. He's not sure why he feels so damn jittery and nervous. It's just Bakugo. They hang out all the time.

Why does this feel so different?

Kirishima raises his hand, hesitates. He inhales again, holding his breath in his tightening chest, and knocks.

There's shuffling on the other side of the door, then a grunt of, "You here to mock me? To tell me I missed a spot on the floor or some shit? I will shove a broom up your fucking ass if you even _think_ about laughing!"

Kirishima exhales and laughs shakily. _Typical Bakugou_. "Bakugou, it's me."

Bakugou grunts, and for a second Kirishima thinks he's going to tell him to fuck off. To his relief, the door clicks open. Bakugou's voice changes tone from flat-out pissed to moderately grumpy. "You're lucky. If you were anyone else, I would've fucking murdered you."

Bakugou is a mess. He has dark circles under his eyes, his black skull shirt is wrinkled, his gray sweats hang baggy on his legs, his feet are bare, and his hair is even messier than usual. He scowls at Kirishima, arms folded across his chest. "What the hell do you want?"

Kirishima swallows, trying really hard not to let his worry show on his face. "Oh-" he grabs the notes and shoves them towards Bakugou, "-I brought you my notes from class today so you can take a picture of them or copy them. They're not _excellent_ , but I tried really hard to focus so that you missed as little as possible."

Bakugou's expression shifts from annoyed to something indescribable. It's an emotion somewhere between anger, shame, and surprise. He snatches the notes from Kirishima's hands and scans the top of the page. His lips start to shake, curling into a shaky half-sneer. "I don't need these," he snaps, shoving them back towards Kirishima.

Kirishima's heart sinks into his stomach. Of course he doesn't. Bakugou _failed_ the licensing exam. Likely he's well aware of what he's missing out on. He probably won't even have to take this exam at all.

Kirishima stares at the notes in Bakugou's hand, his throat closing up. "I'm sorry, Bakugou...I was just trying to help. I know how important being in the top of the class is to you, so I wanted to do what I can to help you stay there."

Bakugou stares at him with a blank expression. His eyes flick down to the notes, then back up to Kirishima's face. "I don't need your pity," he says, but his anger has faded. He hesitates, turning his head to the side so he doesn't have to meet Kirishima's eyes. "But whatever. I guess I'll take pictures of them anyways. Wouldn't hurt." He pulls the notes back towards him, shifting his weight to one side. He looks exhausted, like all of the life has been drained out of him.

Bakugou turns around and walks back into his room, grabbing his phone from his desk. He snaps a few quick pictures, then trudges back to the doorway and hands Kirishima the notes back. "...Don't do this again, idiot. You don't need to do extra work for me."

Now, Kirishima _could_ take this as something negative, and most people probably would. But Bakugou's expression and tone of voice indicates that his intentions are anything but harmful. Kirishima knows Bakugou too well to take his words at face value.

He's grateful for Kirishima's help, but he feels guilty about accepting it, both because he believes he doesn't need it, and also because he wants Kirishima to focus on his own well-being.

Kirishima smiles at Bakugou, trying not to let his worry show. There's clearly something more buried even under all of that, but Bakugou's too-closed off for Kirishima to figure it out. "You're welcome," is all he says.

They stand there for a moment in the doorway of Bakugou's room, silence heavy between them. Bakugou's eye twitches after a good thirty seconds, and then he's blurting out, "Was there something else you wanted, or are you just going to stand there staring like a moron until I kick you out?"

Kirishima's face flushes with heat, not having realized he was staring. "O-Oh, um…" He rubs the back of his neck, heart racing. _What the hell?_ _Stop being nervous! It's just Bakugou, you're all good! Man up and stop being so paranoid!_

"No, there's nothing else," Kirishima lies, guilt heavy on his tongue like poison. But he couldn't tell Bakugou the truth. Not now. He has enough shit of his own to worry about. "Sorry, I'm just tired. I hope the notes help and that you get some sleep!" He turns to leave, then adds over his shoulder in an attempt to reach out further, "Let me know tomorrow if there's anything you want from the cafeteria or something…? I'll check my phone right before lunch."

"Tch," Bakugou starts to close the door, that unreadable expression on his face again. "I'm fine, dumbass. Worry about yourself."

The door closes, leaving Kirishima standing alone in the hallway with some crumpled up notes and a lot of regrets. There's a lot of things on his mind, but one thought stands out above the rest as his heart continues it's furious beating.

 _Why am I this worried about him?_

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 **hey all, thank you so much for reading :D please smash the follow button & leave a review to let me know what you thought and what your favorite parts were. i'll see you next week with chapter 2!**

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